Musical Inspiration: Gravedigger, Dave Matthews Band
I found myself in a diner.
I don’t know how, I don’t know why. When I last closed my eyes it was to a hectic hospital room, on a bed covered in wires and tubes with incessantly beeping monitors. The distant weeping had faded. The pain was gone too. The smell of freshly baked bread and hot coffee drifted to me, replacing the distinct odor of disinfectant. Was I dreaming? I wasn’t at Mount Mercy Intensive Care anymore, that was for sure.
The cracked gingham seat below me squeaked slightly as I shifted to take in my surroundings. A weathered old man sat opposite of me at a silver-rimmed table that could have been from the same decade as him. A coffee-stained menu for Mamaduke’s laid in front of me, paper peeling at each edge. I was seated in a red diner booth. The man leaned back with a mug in his hand that read “The Best Coffee This Side of the Afterlife!”
I blinked, and followed it up with a squint. Surely I read that wrong. I re-read the mug. “The Best Coffee This Side of the Afterlife!” Am I dead?
“Well I was just fixin’ for a mite of eggs, you don’t mind, do you?” He asked in slow baritone. I refocused to really look at him. My host was a dark, leathery looking man in a blue plaid button-up with “Undertaker Transport” and the name “Dell” stitched over the breast pocket. His safety-orange hat had a layer of grime that smudged over a logo. It was a pale white semi truck on the backdrop of what appeared to be a … cemetery? I felt a little wave of nausea hit me. I’m dead. Or I’m getting punked. With my luck I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to see Ashton Kutcher jump out of a booth, camera crew in tow.
I shook my head. The man was loading a heap of eggs onto his fork. For the first time I noticed the booth table was loaded with food, not just eggs. There were plates of toast, bacon, waffles, some type of hash, biscuits and gravy, and fried ham. The smells rising up from steaming plates created a hunger that overtook my nausea. Breakfast is my favorite meal. I hoped Dell was a giving character, because the bacon in particular was calling my name. I swallowed before I started drooling.
“Heya Dell, can I top off your joe?” Came a matronly voice, bustling closer as I turned to look at the source. A waitress appeared with a ready carafe, but he waved her towards me. “And what’ll you have, Sugar?” She reminded me of my aunt Vera, long dead, who had a “hon”, or “doll” for everyone. I was about to answer when my companion did for me.
“He’ll have some apple juice, Marlene. It’s his favorite.” Dell winked. I sputtered, eyes widening in wonderment. Apple juice really is my favorite. When I was a kid Mom always would pour me a glass while admonishing, “now, just one, and then I’m cutting you off”. Mom. That was her crying. I am dead. I’m dead. I…. this is death?
He slid the plate of bacon towards me with a rueful smile. “Help yerself. Gotta watch my cholesterol, Doc says.” Before he’d even finished his offer half a strip of bacon had disappeared to my eagerness. God, was I hungry. I happily shoveled another strip in my mouth, mumbling out sounds of appreciation, and reached for the apple juice just as Marlene arrived back to the table with it in hand.
The man popped a bite of syrupy waffle into his mouth, closing his eyes in pleasure as he chewed. A little bit of butter and maple sauce caught in his white beard but he paid no mind. After a moment of smiling, he opened his eyes again, this time not really looking at me.
“I wish, just one more time, that I could wander down Middlegate Road with Lily Carson after midnight.” I froze. The bacon tasted like ashes in my mouth as Dell continued. “Holding hands in the moonlight, walking through cornfields like we were the only ones on earth. We’d go to this spot near the river that she loved, where we could sit way up there and watch the moon rise high in the sky. She was so beautiful. It wasn’t just her face, neither. She has a real kind heart, you know? And when she sang…” he shook his head, closing his eyes and smiling again like he was basking in some unseen rays of sunshine. “Lawd, you know they just don’t make voices like that every day. I was in love with her. I think she loved me too.”
My palms were suddenly slick with sweat as I set down my apple juice. “Who are you?” I demanded.
“Why, can’t you read, son? I’m Dell, see, with Undertaker Transport? Even my shirt says it.” He gestured to the embroidery above his shirt pocket.
“Yeah, but who are you?”
He sighed, breathing out as if under a heavy burden, and continued without showing he’d heard me. “One time when I was seventeen, I stole a car. My neighbor Daniel Mosen’s white corolla. He’d just bought it and was real excited to show me. I was mighty jealous, because my parents refused to even let me get my license ‘til I finished school. Lily Carson’s parents were gone that weekend.They’ve got a huge liquor cabinet, you know. She said to come over. As it happens, the whole Mosen family went on a vacation to Disneyland that weekend too. I was supposed to watch their house.” Dell took another swallow of coffee. My mouth went dry. No. No, not this. Don’t tell me how this ends.
“I was so excited. I could take Dan’s car and he’d be none the wiser.” Dell licked his lips, catching some of that leftover waffle sauce from before, and went on. “Lily put on this cute little sundress, one with buttons down the front and little butterflies.” My heart sank, remembering. “She did her hair real nice, too. All curly like I liked it.” I didn’t have an appetite anymore. I wanted to crawl into a hole. Maybe this place is the hole. Oh God, Lily!
“I got there at half past eight. Took me a minute to find Dan’s keys in his bedroom. I’d never driven a car before, but I managed ok. Got there right before sunset. She grabbed us some of her daddy’s brandy and we sat on her back porch, kissin’ and drinkin’.” He smiled again like he was savoring the memory.
Marlene came back around with a refill for the apple juice but for once I didn’t have the stomach for it. Dell reached for the glass and took a long drink. I stared at my plate of bacon, nausea welling up in me.
“It was close to midnight when we decided to head to the river for our little ritual. She couldn’t drive neither, but we took the rest of that bottle and…” Dell’s voice caught in his throat as he shook his head. A stab of agony ripped through me as tears leaked down the old man’s face. “We should have never left her house. We got halfway there when a deer jumped out into the road. We swerved and rolled. One time, a couple times? Too fast to know.” Goosebumps raised on the back of my neck. Dell’s voice broke and with shaky hands he took another sip of the juice. “She was ejected instantly. Probably never even realized what was happening. She was gone before they got to her. Not like me.” He hung his head like he was feeling my pain. “Not me, not the reason why she’s gone.” His shoulders shuddered with sobs.
“I don’t understand. That was my life. That’s my story,” I whispered weakly. The words were hardly audible.
Kindly brown eyes crinkled in pity at me. “I’m a sin-eater, son. I choose this one.” He reached out to pat my hand reassuringly. “It’s my sin now.”
I worked my jaw in confusion and shook my head. “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand.”
Dell grunted, taking a slow sip of coffee from the stained mug. “Well that’s alright, Squirt. Don’t worry none. You’re in good hands.” Wet cheeks shone back at me.
But it wasn’t alright. That was my story. Lily Carson’s death was on my hands. Now I remembered the squeal of the tires. Lily’s wordless shriek. The wail of the ambulance, and the thick smoke that had filled the air. The crush of the weight in my chest felt like an anvil. The bile rushed up into my throat and I turned to the seat in revulsion just as it forced up through my mouth. Vomit spewed all over my seat amid my own sobs.
“Hush now, it’s my sin. I’ve done it.” He comforted again, squeezing my hand. I shook my head, swallowing down acid and tears. “You’re gonna be with her. Hush now, it’s alright. Just close your eyes.” I did as I was told, and the air shifted around me. Somehow I knew that if I opened my eyes, I would see that Dell was gone. Or maybe it was me that would be gone. My mouth was dry again, but tasteless. The air shifted again and I floated. I thought of Lily, of Middlegate Road midnights, and Dell, and weightlessness.
The pain was gone. The sin… my sin… was gone.
I was gone.