Where to begin. I’ve had so many of those… Beginnings, that is. I’m sick of them. Some would say I’m lucky, but those people are wrong. There is such a thing as too many beginnings, and I’m living proof.
Three hundred years at the base of the sacred mountains of Chile gave me peace, and another hundred on the western shores of Scandinavia gave me a wonder that has since vanished in me. I’m no longer peaceful, and hardly in wonder.
I am tired.
Many lives have come and gone as I’ve cycled on the wheel of ages. I’ve known so many souls, seen so many born and so many perish…. But that is the way of things. For them. Not for me.
There is one thing that I know as sure as the living earth beneath my feet. I no longer want to live. Not that I have any choice in the matter.
For a while I tested the truth. I’ve survived the best efforts of surprised shamans, men behind curtains, smoking guns, medical residents with a c+ average, and pharmaceutical drug trials. So many times I’ve been on the brink without any hope of piercing the veil of death. The bubonic plague was probably the closest I ever got but if I have to choose, and I’ve done a lot of thinking on it, I’d rather go out on a high note.
First there was denial. I tried many stupid things to prove the Creator wrong, but he has a sick sense of humor and he won’t return my calls. Death has a restraining order on me and I’m not too interested in visiting any Otherworldly Tribunals ever again.
If there is a hell, which I’m not certain there is, it’s inside the courtroom of a Tribunal. I just want to die, I don’t want to be on trial for the shitty things I’ve done for the past 2079 years. One time was enough and it taught me a lesson I’d not soon forget, even over the span of hundreds of lifetimes: do not fuck with the Messiahs. Don’t look at ‘em, don’t become pen pals, don’t offer them your seat on the Tube, don’t put them in your Top 8, don’t be in the boat they rescue on the Sea of Galilee. Do not fuck with them.
To be fair, I didn’t know about this very important tip the first time around. No one mentions this when they welcome you to the “20 over 2000” club. I’m assuming that’s probably due to it being pretty entertaining when it happens to someone else. At first I felt bad when all the newbies made those same mistakes with no warning, but now I can’t say I feel anything for them either way. They’re immortal. They’ll get over it. It’s not like they’re going to die of shame. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could.
Messiahs are a tricky business best left to people who get to die. Messiahs are not like the idiots who become “Chosen Ones”… the happenings of the world shape themselves around Chosen Ones, but Messiahs? Messiahs don’t give a fuck, they’re here to fuck shit up and radicalize your cousin’s grandmother’s stepson for their cause.
The last Messiah’s mess I stepped in took forever to clean up, and not just because it caused a mass extinction. That made me feel bad enough. It was the aftermath that was the worst… at least one island completely sank to the bottom of the ocean to pay for my recklessness, and I got a permanent ban from visiting the Spanish Coast ever again. I’d like to blame my ignorance of The Messiah Rule for what happened there. I felt bad for a long time for that one.
If you get lucky, whatever shit you wrecked by your proximity to a Messiah will go down in history as some cool mythology or whatever. Some fellow 200 over 2000s have not been so lucky. I’m only thankful I learned my lesson before anyone interested could read or write. Some of my fellow Lifers got the short end of that stick with Messiahs who had stone tablets and scribes– They’ve had to change their names completely in order to move on. Took me forever to stop calling Keanu ‘Dorian’, and his other names before that.
I’m supposed to view this life as a gift, or that’s at least what they tell you when you survive your first death attempt. I’ve heard that some Lifers get an option to die as a reward for good behavior at some point, but I’d bet my dealer’s gold tooth that’s not true. Not that it matters, I can’t say I’ve been very good the last hundred years or so. At first when I heard that I tried so hard to be good but it ended with violent lava eruptions in Iceland and now I’m not allowed there anymore either. I’ve been banned from a lot of places.
I want to die but today maybe I’ll just lay in bed, or meditate. It’s not like I’m going anywhere anyway.