If there’s one thing Stan Rawson was good at, it’s remembering dates. Marla Rawson, on the other hand, was more of a ‘in the moment’ person. She probably didn’t even realize what day it was…. A boon for Stan, because anniversaries and remembering them was the best way to score points with the missus.
He left Woody’s Specialty Toys with a bounce in his step, and a shopping sack full of surprise anniversary goodies. He’d told Marla he’d be at the office late filing TPS reports, but truly he hadn’t done any report filing in forever, not at least since he’d been hired on by Efficiency Consulting five years ago. Not to mention that there was no way he’d have this sweet bod if he was still at that hell hole they called an office like the rest of those suckers. Instead, he’d told his Overlord to go pound sand, because he was going to be treating his lady to a night in and didn’t have time to wreck any animal shelters today. His Overlord hadn’t been happy about it, but that guy can screw himself. The bad guys get a night off too, sometimes. He’d left his uniform hanging in his locker, and the cape with “NASTY SURPRISE“ emblazoned on it lumped in atop his electric red high top boots. It was only 1 AM, and this night still had plenty of life in it still.
Maybe Saving Grace would appreciate the night off too, instead of having to repeat the combat of a hundred scenarios of the past. She got him good a couple of days ago when she dropped an anvil on his head, but he got her back when he dropped her over the Grand Canyon. Those kind of feats always took a couple days to recover from, anyway.
Stan hopped into his dune buggy and shifted into gear, turning up the radio to hear Meatloaf wail into the night. He loved his open air buggy, even though he wished he could afford a really sleek sporty car or something more fitting for a villain like him. The plastic of the shop sack in the passenger seat flapped in the cool evening wind as he pulled onto the roadway. The contents spilled onto the seat and he felt a little giddy just looking at the array of items he’d picked up for tonight. He was really going to win some points with this kit, he just knew it. Maybe he could even get into the house all sneaky-like, set up the bathroom with some candles, and lay out the edible undies.
That prospect was sunk as moments later Stan pulled into the circle driveway of his McMansion. The entryway lights were still on, and the glow of the big screen reflected in the windows from down the hall. Ok, so maybe being sneaky wouldn’t work. Stan was only deterred for a second. He shut off the ignition and gathered his goodies in his arms with a little whistle.
The door was unlocked and he was greeted by his dog Toby. He had to wait there to receive the appropriate amount of licks and a little bit of pee dribble on his pant leg from the overactive little golden retriever. Gross, but even that was ok on a night like this.
“Marla!” He shouted from the doorway, walking into the hall. “Baby, I know I’m a little early, but I was thinki–”. The sight in the living room stopped him cold in his tracks.
Saving Grace was sitting on his couch.
No, that wasn’t right.
Marla was in a Saving Grace getup, sitting on the couch… with the Saving Grace mask and booties beside her on the couch cushion. She was sitting with her feet extended, resting in Marla’s customary nighttime footbath bucket. The smell of epsom salts and lavender hit him.
The night’s earlier purchases clattered to the tile floor from Stan’s arms.
Marla was frozen in place. Her eyes were the biggest he’d ever seen…she’d turned as white as a sheet.
“Baby.” He greeted her, the word coming out slowly and uncertain.
“Baby,” Her voice echoed his. “I didn’t think you would be home so soon?”
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh what the ever loving fuck. Stan found himself nodding, trying to process what he was seeing, but all he’d been processing for the last hour was four letter words in anticipation of coming home, and that’s all he could process now.
___
Marla looked him up and down, her eyes settling on the items that littered the ground at Stan’s feet in the hall. There was an odd egg shaped thing still rocking back and forth on the tile from the momentum, and a tube of clear liquid had popped open and dripped into a pool beside it.
In Marla’s experience, Stan only went on a shopping spree at Woody’s and lied to her about how late he’d be at the office for three things: her birthday, which she was sure it wasn’t, his birthday, which it surely wasn’t, or their anniversary, which…. Shit. Her mouth opened in an O, pausing for the right words. Her voice came unexpectedly chipper. “Baby, you ruined my surprise!” She gave him a scolding look.
Stan looked at her confused and shook his head like he was trying to shake off a bad dream. “What?”
She stood up in her foot soaking tub, splashing lukewarm water onto the living room carpet. “You think I don’t know what day it is?!” She asked accusingly.
His eyes snapped from the footbath, to the Saving Grace mask, and back to her again in bewilderment. Her flashy leggings were bunched around her calves, her feet were all pruny, her dirty blonde hair was put up in a messy bun, and the blue and yellow Saving Grace zippered blouse hung open. The cigarette on the end table tray was almost done.
“… What day is it, Marla?” His question came slow and baffled.
“It’s our anniversary, silly!” She hopped out of the footbath, adjusted her front, and struck a pose in front of him. “If you hadn’t come home so early, you wouldn’t have ruined the surprise!” She grabbed the mask on the couch and slipped it over her eyes. “See?!”
“Oh my god.”
“Right?! I knew you would totally freak!” She took the mask off again. “But I only rented it ‘til tomorrow at 3 because someone else needs it for a kid’s birthday party”. Marla picked up the egg shaped item from the floor and held it up for inspection. “It seems like you had some plans of your own, too, huh?”
“Oh, uh… yeah”, he stammered. “Very surprising.” He reached out and pulled the zipper of her blouse down a little. “This could work…”
“Could? You think so?” She asked coyly. Encouraged, she leaned away from him so the zipper came down some more.
__
Stan Rawson was nobody’s fool. But he was willing to play one for the time being. As Marla tried to pass off his discovery as part of her anniversary surprise, doing a little dance in her spandex suit, Stan was getting roped in in spite of himself. God, I love a woman in uniform, he found himself thinking. The spandex hugged every one of her beautiful curves, and he wondered why she didn’t dress like that every day. She’d always told him she was a personal trainer, and her closet was full of “RUN NOW, WINE LATER” wife beater tanks and sweatpants. To him it didn’t even matter in that moment what the pretense was, he wondered if she’d be willing to wear the suit more often. She turned in front of him like Vanna White again, and bent down to pick up the other items on the floor. She made sure he got an eyeful as she pointed her heart shaped ass in his direction and slowly stood back up, giving him a look he was definitely willing to act dumb for. Oh, yeah. Definitely.
___
The sheets had been thrown off the bed hours before, but Stan found himself feeling around in the dark to pull one around his waist. He tightened it around himself and slipped off the bed quietly. Marla was sound asleep, her Saving Grace suit discarded on the floor, and Toby was half curled up on it, also sleeping soundly. Stan made his way into the kitchen with a heavy sigh. First things first. He reached into the cabinet and pulled out the whiskey. Pouring himself a drink, he opened his laptop to an empty document and began to type.
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing to inform you that I, Stanley Rawson, am resigning from my position as ‘Nasty Surprise’ and will be ending my employment with Efficiency Consulting as of two weeks from now. I will be happy to assist the Overlords in training my replacement until my last day.
Thank you,
Stanley Rawson.